Sunday, April 19, 2009
The Pirate Walks the Plank II
This is supposed to be the date of "The Pirate Walks the Plank" 2 entries below, which is a response to "Crap and Misdemeanors." I have to get a blogger tutor.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Crap and Misdemeanors
Hey, why didn't I think of that? I was watching Woody Allen's "Crimes and Misdemeanors" last night and there was a scene in which his sister goes out on a few dates with a man she met through the personals. The guy doesn't touch her for the first few dates, but on the third, boy does she get a perfumed surprise: the guy convinces her to let him tie her to the bed, then he squats over her and takes a dump.
I've heard some really bad dating stories, but that one takes the cake. Imagine recounting the date to your co-workers. "It was nice. He took me to dinner, then dancing. Then we went back to my place and he took a crap on me."
"I guess that sort of spoiled it, but hey, at least the restaurant and dance club were great. And he paid, so I guess I kind of owed him one."
How can I one-up that guy? Projectile vomiting on her face and fifty lashes while she's tied to the rack? A greased hamster in the rectum? The Dirty Sanchez? Maybe The Pirate.
For those of you unfamiliar with the twisted brilliance of The Pirate, here's how it works. The female fellates a man, who then blows his gentleman's relish right in her eye. As she gets up and covers her eye, her partner kicks her in the shin. She then hops around on one leg, covering her eye, and says "aye, aye, aye."
I dare Woody to push the envelope further. But pretty soon kids prematurely jaded by regular sex will say, "but Mom, everybody's doing it!"
Readers, all two of you, try to imagine a worse date than the one above. Then message me or put it in your blog.
I've heard some really bad dating stories, but that one takes the cake. Imagine recounting the date to your co-workers. "It was nice. He took me to dinner, then dancing. Then we went back to my place and he took a crap on me."
"I guess that sort of spoiled it, but hey, at least the restaurant and dance club were great. And he paid, so I guess I kind of owed him one."
How can I one-up that guy? Projectile vomiting on her face and fifty lashes while she's tied to the rack? A greased hamster in the rectum? The Dirty Sanchez? Maybe The Pirate.
For those of you unfamiliar with the twisted brilliance of The Pirate, here's how it works. The female fellates a man, who then blows his gentleman's relish right in her eye. As she gets up and covers her eye, her partner kicks her in the shin. She then hops around on one leg, covering her eye, and says "aye, aye, aye."
I dare Woody to push the envelope further. But pretty soon kids prematurely jaded by regular sex will say, "but Mom, everybody's doing it!"
Readers, all two of you, try to imagine a worse date than the one above. Then message me or put it in your blog.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Marilyn, My Marilyn
Not Monroe, Chambers, the 1970s porn star. I might have missed her death at age 56 from an unknown cause (as of yesterday) except Lux reminded me.
Chambers did not have a stunning body, but rather a tight little package she worked like a snake. Her face was not really beautiful, though it famously appeared on the package for Ivory Snow. She was a mother of a newborn on the cover.
No, Chambers was just sexy as hell. A wanton dream come true, who conquered men as much as the opposite. She never really pulled off the innocent young thing thing, even with the requisite bows in her hair. You could call her a Cougar, though she was much younger than that in her films.
The contrast between her and the weird female androids who are called porn stars now couldn't be farther apart. Women with fake everything: breasts, tans, hair etc; over-exaggerated moaning and squealing and no public hair or that weird little landing strip many now have (or worse, the Hitler mustache over the vagina).
The question is, what does female passion and erotic ecstasy look like? For Chambers, it was all about her facial expressions and again the undulations of her lithe body. Plus a voice that practically undressed men, and some women, by itself.
The NYT noted that her first film, "Behind the Green Door (1972)," along with "Deep Throat" the same year, "is generally credited with helping establish a mainstream market for pornography."
The transitions from film to VCR/DVD and then the internet have made porn practically background wallpaper in today's society. Kids know everything about it by younger and younger ages. It takes away the forbidden-fruit allure of the whole thing.
Like writing fake notes from your supposedly sick father allowing you to buy a Playboy. Or buying it from a kid who sold his father's old ones. Or stealing it. (guilty of the last two, Lux and the Berg the other.)
Chambers work was mostly on film, which provides a richer texture. I know, I know, sex is sex; what's the difference? For Chambers, it was the seduction, even with the bad porn plots.
Last time I was in LA I was searching around for the Manson family's infamous home. You go up a road that rises from the northwest San Fernando Valley, and everything gets dry, silent, and weirdly spooky. But looking down into the Valley, you notice a cluster of large white low-rise buildings.
These are, pardon the expression, fuck factories. Something like 90 percent of American porn is shot in and around these buildings. At the top of the VHS/DVD boom, it churned out 11,000 full-length movies a year. Now, with the net, anybody can be a star (Belladonna legitimately should be, Rambler). Most of them seem to be 18 year olds with very strong oral fixations.
Chambers, like many at the time and probably many now, thought her porn experience would lead to legit Hollywood. "Boy was I wrong," she said in an interview.
Now, with starlets making "sex tapes," Hollywood has instead come to "Porn Valley."
PS yes the title of the blog is a takeoff on the Maryland state song.
Chambers did not have a stunning body, but rather a tight little package she worked like a snake. Her face was not really beautiful, though it famously appeared on the package for Ivory Snow. She was a mother of a newborn on the cover.
No, Chambers was just sexy as hell. A wanton dream come true, who conquered men as much as the opposite. She never really pulled off the innocent young thing thing, even with the requisite bows in her hair. You could call her a Cougar, though she was much younger than that in her films.
The contrast between her and the weird female androids who are called porn stars now couldn't be farther apart. Women with fake everything: breasts, tans, hair etc; over-exaggerated moaning and squealing and no public hair or that weird little landing strip many now have (or worse, the Hitler mustache over the vagina).
The question is, what does female passion and erotic ecstasy look like? For Chambers, it was all about her facial expressions and again the undulations of her lithe body. Plus a voice that practically undressed men, and some women, by itself.
The NYT noted that her first film, "Behind the Green Door (1972)," along with "Deep Throat" the same year, "is generally credited with helping establish a mainstream market for pornography."
The transitions from film to VCR/DVD and then the internet have made porn practically background wallpaper in today's society. Kids know everything about it by younger and younger ages. It takes away the forbidden-fruit allure of the whole thing.
Like writing fake notes from your supposedly sick father allowing you to buy a Playboy. Or buying it from a kid who sold his father's old ones. Or stealing it. (guilty of the last two, Lux and the Berg the other.)
Chambers work was mostly on film, which provides a richer texture. I know, I know, sex is sex; what's the difference? For Chambers, it was the seduction, even with the bad porn plots.
Last time I was in LA I was searching around for the Manson family's infamous home. You go up a road that rises from the northwest San Fernando Valley, and everything gets dry, silent, and weirdly spooky. But looking down into the Valley, you notice a cluster of large white low-rise buildings.
These are, pardon the expression, fuck factories. Something like 90 percent of American porn is shot in and around these buildings. At the top of the VHS/DVD boom, it churned out 11,000 full-length movies a year. Now, with the net, anybody can be a star (Belladonna legitimately should be, Rambler). Most of them seem to be 18 year olds with very strong oral fixations.
Chambers, like many at the time and probably many now, thought her porn experience would lead to legit Hollywood. "Boy was I wrong," she said in an interview.
Now, with starlets making "sex tapes," Hollywood has instead come to "Porn Valley."
PS yes the title of the blog is a takeoff on the Maryland state song.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The Pirate Walks the Plank
Seems I've gotten some criticism for the frat-boy/locker room talk of my last blog, particularly the description of the infamous though in all probability ridiculously fictional sexual act of "The Pirate." Yes, it's immature and incredibly crude, but that's the point. Let's have a vote, should the Pirate Walk the Plank? (Jhat is, cut from the post?)
Monday, April 13, 2009
noise in this world III (I'm practicing links)
Once again, I hope this goes through to the Salon noise story in Krugman's blog.
noise in this world part 2
Check out this post from Paul Krugman,nobel prize-winning (economics) prof at Princeton and NYT columnist.
noise in this world
If you can see but not hear, read this Paul Krugman (a nobel prize winner in economics) post on his blog that links to a great salon piece
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