By Order of Mayor McCheese

I realize that I made a mistake in my last post: Philadelphia Mayor Nutter is not named McNutter. I blame the goof squarely on McDonalds and their Mayor McCheese character.

McCheese has been fading from public view for a long time now. Once high and mighty, he's been reduced to hanging out with Ogre, the "Cookie" Monster and other sexual deviants.

For their part, McCheese's lawyers are denying any involvement. The copious amount of cheese around rape scenes could easily be attributable to Quarter Pounders (what exactly is it pounding?), Big Mac's and other raw meat fried for human consumption. This is despite the fact that Mac showed the world just how "big" he really is in a Playgirl full-color pictorial.

Don't get me going on Ronald. For God's sake, stop cruising the highway rest stops where McDonald's has a restaurant. All that white greasepaint must "come" in handy (or simply come in handy, usually his right hand).

McCheese wasted no time after the elections. He called for an end of the oppression
of Peoples of Burger. He spoke candidly of his tormented childhood, when other students would constantly try to take a bite out of him during recess.

Then there are the balance issues. McCheese and other people of burger have found themselves constantly tripping and falling because 70 percent of their body mass is in their heads.

They called for federal legislation, the Americans with Burger Head Act of 2008. In it elevators would have to install another steel bar where such people could lay their weary heads to rest on the journey.

The McCheese forces are meeting strong resistance from the Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips company. Treacher's product advertisment claims that it is the meal one cannot make at home, so, said a spokesman, eat your damn meal there.

Fast-food competitors Domino's Pizza has been surprisingly lobbying against the Burger Head Act.

A spokesman explained yesterday: once people realize that McDonald's is not actually food, they will quickly realize that Domino's product bears no resemblance whatsoever to actual pizza.