Omigod! Teen Girl Party at my Place

Since my father is going to be gone for awhile, I'm taking the opportunity to throw a massive Kegger for the neighborhood's female teens.

Hey! I'm promising them free weed and free beer just for showing up. There's also a hot tub which I hope to get running by Friday. All I ask in return is that they not bring parents or boyfriends.

There's already a group of guys (in their 40s-50s) who'll be glad to welcome them in whatever way possible. I've paid off the local loser cops, but some of them still want in on the action.

I've turned part of the attic into a mattress-floored space which will be called "The Special Room." I had to buy red light bulbs especially for the occasion.

Then there's the house punch which will consist of 90 percent grain alcohol and 10 Tang! Roofies available upon request (shee!).

So spread to the word (and other things). This is going to be the sickest party of the year. Just don't tell where you've been. That's a no-no. And besides, we already have video cameras around the place for when you drunkenly flash us. Wouldn't want that to get around, would we?

Be there or b L7 (square).