I Beat the Breathalizer

There are two bumper stickers on my car. One says "I Beat the Breathalizer - NY, NJ, PA, and MD." The other one says "Blow on This, Cop." I have another that says "Drunk Driving King," but I haven't decided where to put it.
I take my car out onto the turnpike, drive very carefully at the speed limit, and hope that I get pulled over, since I haven't had a drink in days or weeks.
When I do get picked off, I slur my speech as much as possible, and say "bring on the bretlizer, pig."
When I blow a 0.00, they really get pissed. Usually they'll say something like, "This is not a game! In the time we've wasted on you, we could have pulled over someone who might kill someone else."
Yeah, yeah, we've heard it before. Some kid on a tricycle is going to be plowed over by the drunk driving menace.
What I usually say is, "look at it this way Some guy who might have blown a 0.09 is back in bed with his wife and family, instead of being in the lockup so you can increase municipal revenue in whatever ugly-ass Jersey town we're in."
This, I'll admit it, is risky. They'll pull whatever law was passed in 1820 to try to nail you. Disorderly conduct, interfering with police business, impersonating a drunkard.
Usually I'll be let go after the usual threats: if I catch you driving fast or drunk I'll have you sent to the gas chamber, that kind of thing.
Then I'll roar off, within the speed limit. I fight the urge to throw the empty beer cans I've got hidden in a secret hatch out the window.
My work is done for the night.

You'll never catch me,
The Drunk-Driving Avenger