To the Faraway Town

Ex-lovers in London have, I hope, stopped writing me. I only lose the letter,or someone else loses it, or I won't respond if my life is too much of a mess, which is all the time.
Nancy, my girlfriend sophomore year at Tulane, became convinced that I was the love of her life. She wrote me heart-rending letters asking me to respond. I've looked all over the place for the letters and return address in London. No luck.
But she is in love with a ghost. When we dated, I was young, strong, and not so terribly fearful all the time, the way I am now.
It is difficult to imagine that a woman pictures me in her mind. Imagining us together. Imagining sex, love, closeness, a soulmate and everything else.
When I was in high school, I of course fantasized that if only I could get "that girl,"then my life would be perfect. "That girl," of course, would not give me the time of day.
Inadvertently, I broke a heart on the other side of the ocean. All she wanted was a response. All I could offer was my pain. I didn't want a Florence Nightingdale. She was too much a relic from the time without suffering.
I ran and hid, like an endangered animal. I couldn't let her see what I had become: pathetic, living at home, becoming fat, with little libido and even less joy.
Last year it was Angelee. She had been a girl with serious psychiatric problems. Like me. In and out of treatment facilities. When I was gone for Christmas she began seeing a little English guy named Keith.
Keith asked to marry her. she accepted. I was relieved. The British health plans would take better care than me.
Anyway, she wrote a surprise letter here last Christmas. I don't know what it said, since I had to leave. I just hope she's satisfied with Keith outside London.
Here's the message:
If you value your sanity, stay away. If you value your sex and emotional life, run away. If you want happiness and joy, try Radio City Music Hall.
I could just say that I havn't got it in me anymore. But the truth is that my heart and soul are buried beneath years of pain. And I don't want to lay that down on anyone, because it is heavier than anyone can imagine.