Swayze 'n Sheen Slaughter the Commies

In what may one day be an entry the Ronnie Reagan Ridiculous Cold War Film Fest, I watched the beginning of "Red Dawn" (1987) for free on cable last night. For anyone unfamiliar with truly wretched 80s Cinema or has thankfully forgotten, the movie centers around a group of teenagers who save America after World War III breaks out and the Soviets (wait, first the Cubans!)take over most of the country.

The first scene takes place in a high school on the Colorado plains, where a teacher is lecturing on the martial prowess of Gengis Khan. He looks out the window and there is suddenly a rain of parachutes falling from the sky. These turn out to be armed Cubans, who proceed to shoot up the teacher and the school building.

Ironically, of course, it was American teenagers who shot up a high school with American weapons in Columbine about 10 years ago, and they seemed to be much better shots than the Cubans.

A group of teens (including Charlie Sheen) somehow escapes in a pickup truck, driven by the inimitable, slightly older Patrick Swayze. They hide out in the mountains, and when they come down the town is covered with Lenin posters and Russian movies at the theater (hopefully better ones than this). The citizens were put into re-education camps. I went to bed when some Soviet soldiers came up to the mountains for a little R and R and were easily dispatched of by the kids. The ideologically-impaired soldiers, of course, couldn't hit the side of a barn with their automatic weapons (not enough Second Amendment practice).

How did this horror come about? Easy. El Salvador and Nicaragua invaded Honduras, Mexico went into revolution, and those Euro-wimps at NATO gave up to the Russians with hardly a shot.

It's again a hilarous irony that two years after this jingoistic fantasy was released, the entire Soviet Union fell apart with practically nary a shot. Still, I can't wait for the righteous, bloody all-American commie-slaughter spectacular ending. The red of American blood will conquer the Reds anytime (except for North Korea, where the Dear Leader would kick our butts single-handedly, all while revising the 3000 books he wrote in college).