Not Harvard, Hervard

I have come up with a plan to upend the American metritocracy on it's sacred ass. I'm starting a university. In Cambridge, MA. Called Hervard.
How to compete with the legendary college down the street? Easy; I allow absolutely no one get in. That's right. A rejection rate of 100 percent.
Famous scholars and world leaders would be invited, at an obscene rate, to lecture before absolutely empty lecture halls. The graduation speech would be determined by a mixure of People magazine covers and National Enquirer articles. Thinking of applying? Who the hell do you think you are?
Our campus would be run by Resorts International, and students would be spared no comfort. Bad feet at 2 am? We'll have someone there in a jiff. Far be it that even Freshman are consigned roommates. We have one-bedroom suites with a masseuse on call.
The catch? You'll never get in here. Not if you score 1600 on your SAT's. Our faculty spend their time suntanning, boozing, and writing terrible obscure scholarly papers that end up in Reader's Digest.
So remember. Down the street is America's oldest university. But in our high-rise condo campus, exclusion is everything. Harvard has an acceptance rate of under 10 percent, but let's see them top ours: 0 percent. Maybe the busboy's son would get in.
Yours in telling the meritocracy to shove it up their collective asses,

Tourguide,
Sept. 5, 2009